2 Legit 2 Quit

yes there's a new blogspotter in town
http://www.mchammer.blogspot.com
maybe we should all get out now while we can...

Chapter 4

My co-workers, who somewhere along the way became friends, were Tim and Lupe. Now I know that Lupe sounds like a spanish name, but here's the funny thing...Lupe was born and raised in the former Soviet Union. Like most people in the food service industry in L.A., "Lupe" was a wannabe actor. I never really got his real name, I'm sure it was Ivan or Boris or something like that, but he thought that by having a name that obviously clashed with his thick Russian accent and very white features, that he would be somewhat more exotic and intriguing to casting directors. I guess he would be very wrong in this summation cuz to my knowledge he went to every open call audition and his claim to fame was being an extra in an episode of something that aired on PAX. You might have also guessed that Lupe wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed...I mean really "Lupe"...it was really rather sad.
But I loved that big idiot, probably cuz he made me feel so good about myself. He was a big fan of Now That's Cool and for the life of him could not understand why I would get out of the acting game when he would give everything short of his life for a small taste of stardom. I think deep down he thought I was the idiot, he's probably right. He always wanted my opinion on his monologue and any tips that I could give him to increase his chances of getting roles. I played along and gave him the best advice I could, but the advice I should had given him was realize that the IHOP is probably the plateau of his professional existence and give up on the acting crap. But hey...who am I to crush dreams...besides I was now the cool co-worker giving out the advice (I hope my high-school video store co-workers realized what they missed).
Tim on the other hand was this older gentlemen who was really only around 40 something, but he looked like he might be pushing 60. He had what I guess you would call a hard life, most of it by his own making (at least that's what my father would say). Tim was an addict...you name the vice, well, he was probably into it. He liked to say that he was every cliche' wrapped into one and that he was the poster child of how to piss it all away. He had gotten the IHOP job 5 years ago through his parole officer, and to my knowledge had stayed clean ever since. I don't know what he did to get thrown in Prison for a while, didn't think it was my place to ask. I figured he would talk about it if he wanted to. I do know that I liked Tim very much and in him I saw a sadness and regret that I hoped I never would have to experience. Rumor was he had a kid somewhere he hadn't ever met (one of the waitresses he use to date told me), sounded about right. Every line on his face, every corse needle stained vain on his arm told a tale, one I hope you don't already know. I felt sorry for Tim, but I admired him as well. He had a strength I don't think I'll ever possess...ya know...rising up and overcoming, beating one's demons. I learned a lot from him, so could you.

Chapter 3

I am an egg-frying mofo...no for real...I'm like the best at it ever. It may have been my calling, in as much as preparing deposits from a chicken's butt can be a calling. Working the ol' griddle my first year at the ol' IHOP may have been the apex of my young existence, that may seem sad to you but let me explain. You see I just didn't merely see it as making pancakes, omelets, or the high-lite of my day a "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity"(try saying that and not smiling, I know I can't do it), I saw it as art...and I was working on my masterpiece everyday. The way I saw it, the griddle was my blank canvas that I got to start the day out with...my painting instruments were my trusty spatula and my random meat stabber thingy...I got to paint with grease, lard, butter, stawberries, snozzleberryies, and God knows what else. People may have only thunk what they ate was just an unusually extra tasty meal, but what they didn't know was that a little piece of me was in every platter.
DISCLAIMER: By saying that a little piece of me was in every platter, I don't mean that I hocked loogies or who knows what else in unsuspecting customers food. I'm talking about pieces of my soul here people...so please let's get the mind out the gutter folks...okay...I did do something I'm not proud of once, but he really deserved it. (Let it be know that if you talk bad about Bono, a little karmic debt will come your way. And I will help you pay it!!! You NEVER SPEAK ILL OF THAT MAN...HE WROTE "BAD"!!!!!!!!!)
Where were we??? Oh yeah...The griddle was my art.

Chapter 2

People think I'm a failed actor. I think I just retired from it. I did work really steady in several TV movies, pilots, and a couple of studio pictures from the time I was 19 till I was 26. I was even in somewhat of a minor hit...maybe you've heard of it. It was called Now That's Cool. I guess there are some of you out there who haven't ever heard of it, so let me lay out the scenario for you: Jake was this orphan (not the character I played) who had lived most of his teenage years with my family (I played Gunner). Well anyway, Jake won something like 50 million in the lottery one day and of course everybody came out of the woodwork to get their piece of him. One of the sub-plots was his long lost parents were suddenly back in the picture and were they there for their son or the money. I know it sounds kind of lame but we started off really cool. The character Jake was really questioning what to do with the money and was really starting to realize that maybe his life would be better if he gave it all away. But of course like everything else in America, our producers dumbed the whole thing down and decided to move me and Jake into a swank place in Malibu so that we could bang everything that walked. Needless to say the show lasted about 3 more espisodes once that story arc took hold. So I guess that I was part of the first program ever where sex didn't sell.
I hate to complain and sound cliche', but I was really burned out once we got canceled. In a way I was relieved because I didn't particularly enjoy the whole fame game. Now I know what you're thinking...another guy who had all the money he needs and a great life just looking for something to whine about. Well let me tell you something...you're exactly right. I tell you one thing though, I bet you would be the same is exact way. It's human nature and boy do us human's just suck. It's also true what they say..."Once you've done blow off the butt of a Victoria's secret model, it's all downhill". Just kidding. I've never done blow. I was just to scared I guess. And even though I had a nice chunk of change in my pocket, I didn't have the enough money to overcome my looks to hook up with a Victoria Secret's model, or really any model. I take that back, I did date a girl who did a spread in the Spring Sear's catalogue...what was her name?
Anyway...after my "retirement" from acting I just kind of chilled for a couple of years. Problem was in a couple of years the money ran dry(due to some bad choices on my part, but we'll discuss that later), so I decided to go get a job and just live a laid back life. I guess the job I picked proves that I'm a glutton for punishment; a video store clerk. There is no end to the amusement a 14 year old boy gets out of checking out a crappy movie you were in. I had at least one kid a day rent a copy of "O Homie, Where you At", (it was the straight-to-video hip-hop version of "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" that I did. No I'm not proud of it and yes they were only checking it out to mock me...no one...I repeat no one liked this movie...well except for our financer, Diddy). They would watch me scan it in and hope for some reaction from me, I use to make a scene and tell them that this was the best work I had ever done. After awhile that got old though and I started telling everyone that it was really a statement on neo-classical physics as it applies to racism, but they just looked at me like I was gurgling poop so I stopped that to. I thought all the teenagers that worked with me in the store would kind of look up to me and be honored to have someone such as myself as a co-worker. I had these fantasies of us hanging out and me being the cool one that everybody went to for advice...never happened though...I think it was because A. I kind of freaked em out and B. Most of them couldn't go out on a school night. This brings up a point though...
I was bummed because people didn't worship me because of celebrity, yet I got out of the business because people did...man...ah...I suck. I guess I just can't be pleased. Anyways, the video store clerk thing fizzled out when they asked me to be Assistant Manager. I quit on the spot cuz I am not going to be "The Man". I decided I needed a new direction in life, a serious career if you will. I thought about going back to school, then I remembered I hate to read. I decided I needed to find a job where I could have creative freedom to express myself and that is how I ended up working the griddle at IHOP.

Chapter 1

She didn't say what she felt like for dinner that night. It was my question though. It seems rather trivial at this point to dwell on what her answer might have been, but I find myself spending countless hours wondering what she would have said. She really loved to eat Italian, well Italian in as much as Olive Garden is Italian. Always got the same thing...chicken parmewhatever, and of course let's not forget about the salad and breadsticks. She could have been in the mood for some standard fare i.e. Chili's, Applebee's, or TGIFriday's...you know something like that. She would always shoot down my suggestions with things like "we just went there last week" or "I ate Mexican the other day", I myself liked to frequent the same place. It always brought up an argument between us about how I believed that just because you ate at a restaurant for lunch, didn't mean you couldn't go there for supper. They have other things on the menu ya know, I mean we ate our mother's cooking for every meal just about didn't we.
She wasn't having it though, she always thought I was just rationalizing after the fact to make my point like I always do. What could I say? She was right. She usually was. I myself had a hard time admitting to this, but I always knew it to be true.
It's funny how much all my memories aren't memories at all...I guess they're futures? I guess my memories are really hypotheticals if that makes any sense at all. I dwell on the could have been should have beens of the situation, and all because she didn't tell me what mood her stomach was in. I guess this is the least of my problems now...maybe I should try to remember more I guess. Maybe I don't because that forces me to feel. What I'll feel I don't know...I've kind of grown accustomed to the numbness, it's kind of my thing now...but hey, whatever, maybe I should figure this out...or maybe I'll learn completely not to care. Either way I feel I deserve an answer to my question, even if it is an insignificant one to you.

cool band

this a really great new band...I wasn't able to listen to the music links (stupid dial-up) but just reading the lyrics is great...very well written...there's some cool informative links on their site too...check it out and let me know what you think...I don't know I may be alone here...
http://www.prussianblue.net/

should be fixed

this link should work

www.sharperiron.org/printthread.php?t=2493

the answer

the answer to the riddle is...wait for it...wait for it...Michael W. Smith.

And since Adam answered Jeb Bush, who is the brother of the President who once attended a small coastal church in Maine that Michael W. Smith sang at I think he wins the 100 grand...so good job Adam and the rest of you should really pick up your game.

time's ticking away...

Just 22 more hours until the little riddle contest is over...I hope you're working hard or else some of your lives we'll be ruined...here's one more hint...

I smell like Sheboygin, Wisconsin...

figure it out...

The riddle guesses are really disappointing I must say...you guys really need to amp up your creativity. I'm going to leave this open for one more day and then I'm going to have to reveal the answer on Wed. If I'm forced to reveal the answer (because nobody guessed correctly) then I'm probably going to have to publish on this very blog damaging info about each and every person that has visited this site...I'm not saying it's gonna be true, but I'm not above vicious rumors. So please leave your answers in the comments and for all your sakes I hope one of you are right. I'll leave you with a little taste of what's to come if Wed. rolls around and no answer is to be found..."Hey did your hear that _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ likes to listen to O-Town!!!"

Now that you know what viciousness I am capable of, answer like your lives depended on it!!! I'm not playing I WILL RUIN ALL OF YOUR LIVES!!!

God Bless,
jerrod

p.s. there's a 100 Grand for the winner...if there is one

check out this link...and a riddle?!?!?

who says there is no hope for arab-israeli peace...
http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=48881

Also I have a riddle for you all???

I smell like a tangerine...
I'm beautiful and fabulous...
I like to shake my money-maker...
Just loved Schindlers list (best comedy ever!)...
I strongly resemble a Billy Ray Cyrus love child...
I have been spayed and neutered...
I'm not a rascal, but am I...

Guess who or what I may be...tangible or otherwise???

Winner get's a big PRIZE...leave you answers in the comments...

jerrod

blog's title (explanation)

The address of this little blog is "donotbehatingonkelly", now this may seem really absurd and random to all of you out there...and you would be exactly right in that summation...but I'm going to create a reason after the fact just like I do when I say something inappropriate to my wife and cover it up and explain I was just kidding.

Well to those of you who know me, you already know of my music taste for the most part...it's very eclectic and I really don't like any specific genres, I just like good songs. Now several of you were dismayed to know of my fondness for the new Kelly Clarkson album...I have to say people, it's got a nice collection of songs on it...I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC, AS MUCH AS THIS PAINS ME I LIKE THE FRICKIN' THING...now I know this goes against what's trendy and cool...i.e. it has mass appeal and she's the American Idol chick (all that's wrong with music in some folks opinion) but I think it's catchy and it's got clever writing...Now I'm really not typically into this genre for most of the same reasons a lot of you are (and believe me she's the exception to the rule...I hate most of the stuff on the radio and can't understand why people love that worthless dribble) With that being said I think ol' Kel' has touched a nerve in Uncle Jerrod's heart that just appeals on some level...

Now I'm the world's worst about judging people based on their movie and music preferences...but it just goes to show that artistic taste is in the eye/ear of the beholder...and this pains me cuz I really want to believe that everybody who buys a Jennifer Lopez album is a worthless zero who's wasting air all of us might need one day...but I don't know why they enjoy it, they just do...and who am I to say that they're wrong (a sane person).

Now I'm not really sure I believe most of this and maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not a brokeback enthusiast...but keep this in mind next time you are in your car and a Kel-Kel(that's my pet name for her) song comes on and you roll your eyes...just remember that jerrod said...DO NOT BE HATING ON KELLY...the title is just a generic call for acceptance in all situations...anytime you want to be mean or judgmental towards a certain segment of the population or someone's taste just remember what ol' jer said...we're going to start a catch phrase I promise

(DISCLAIMER!!!!)
Let me close by saying that I'm a hypocrite and I'll make fun of all your tastes and interests without a moment's thought

if you'll excuse me I'm now going to listen to AC/DC and Metallica for the next 48 hours straight while eating a steak and working on my carburetor (all very manly stuff)

jerrod

some links to enjoy...

Insanely cruel and horrible and of course hilarious (as long as it doens't happen to you)
//seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/1110AP_Admissions_Error.html

Proof that inspiring life-changing theater is still out there...you need to also see this movie...I'M SERIOUS I LOVE IT...SWAYZE RULES!!! I wonder if this proves anyone could be Keanu.
//www.smarttix.com/show.aspx?showCode=POI

I have no comment...
news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060215/ap_en_mu/people_nelson_gay_cowboys

this would go over well in Texas
http://www.news4jax.com/news/7096032/detail.html

Enjoy your cyber journey for today...

myspace is dead...

I think I'm getting rid of my myspace page and just messing with this blog thing...I set it up to put up videos and music and stuff and I think I can do that here so I'll be doing this instead...I'm going to be putting up the Vito video in this post...let me know if it works for you guys (I know most of you have already seen it so humor me). Hope everyone is having a good one and look for a new video soon...

jerrod
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2690193

Jerrod's "Just a Wonderin"...

This is a new series in the mind-blowing blog that is Truthiness and we are going to call it "Just a Wonderin"...I'm going to throw out ideas and or questions and I would like you "the people" to respond in a thoughtful manner....

so without further ado...

If you had to have one CD that you had to listen to for all eternity, what would it be...or what one album would you want on your IPOD (you kids and your technology) if you had to delete everything else on the ol' ITUNES...?

Now read the previous question and just insert BOOK where CD applied and answer accordingly...(please don't put the bible...we'll all just assume that's everyone's fave, ya freakin posers...so give me your second fave)

So I can't wait to hear from you wacky people and please know that if I think your choices suck (and I probably will) be prepared for the scathing comments that might find themselves in your Inbox...that being said don't answer this without much thought and fanfare and don't just give answers that you think will please me like eager beavers...I want honesty here people...don't make me go all Dick Cheney at a quail hunt on ya....

have a nice day

chew on this

I've had some ideas thrown out for my first topics to bloginate on...instead of just deciding on one though I think that it would be best to combine a couple...so here is the topics..."The Cauzation of Time Travel and How it Effects the Bush Administration", and also "That Wall They Want to Put Up in Mexico". Now you might ask how do these two things pertain to one another...and to that I say it's so obvious you silly goose, I shouldn't even have to tell you...but I'll plug away anyway.
You see it's a little known fact that George Bush is a swashbuckling time travel enthusiast...he likes to fancy himself as a 21st century pirate (can't you just see him in the oval office wearing a bandana in his cute little fly suit and saying things like arrggh me matie, Mission Accomplished...it's really quite precious). So he's got the boys down at NASA and the IRS (yes the IRS, what do think are tax dollars are callously wasted in pork barrell spending and bombs and welfare entitlements...silly gooses) working on what we'll all call "Turd-Blossom", because the somphmoric humor makes the POTUS laugh. Anyway if this thing ever becomes fully operational we can go back and fix a lot of the wrongs that Americans have committed though the ages...which leads me to the wall in Mexico...it's been suggested that the Rio Grande and Border Patrol agents can no longer do the job on our southern borders, so to aid them we need to build a big ol' wal from Texas to Californina...(and it makes a lot of sense to me to build a wall after we supposedly fostered freedom in Germany by tearing down the Berlin wall, don't let the details confuse you people...we're America we wouldn't do anything if it wasn't right and these two wall are two different things...don't even think about it...trust me). That being said I think the wall is a waste of time, cuz if they can swim and dig tunnels to circumvent our Border Patrol, why can't they learn to climb??? Anyway I think that we should pour our tax dollars into "Turd-Blossom" and use it to alleviate this problem. What we'll do is take a nuke back in time with us (back to when we were really fighting Mexicans) and bomb the piss out of them until Mexico no longer existed therefore in the present times there would be no mexicans therefore no need for a wall. Texas would be a whole lot bigger and our redneck self worth would increase ten-fold...it's a win-win people. We could also use the "Turd-Blossom" on the Indians...that way none would be around to run those blasted casinos and the repressed middle-age white man could take back what was never his.
So I hope this clears ups these two hot topics and I'd like to thank Chris and Laura for their suggestions...there's only one problem now though.........................who's going to mow our lawns and clean our hotels....


p.s. Keep the topics coming people and Cherry...this is what we call satire

I'm finally a bloggin...

To anyone who cares I'm finally going to unload on everyone the stream of being that is me...we are going to cover the gammut of emotions here people...sometimes we are going to cry together and sometimes we are going to laugh and laugh until gravy spews out of our spleens. We are going to cover every conceivable topic, from the absurd to the most seriousnesses that we's can be's...but most of of all I hope this blog gets more gooder as days go on...I would love to hear suggestions about things you the people should think I should spew on (I'm an expert on everything) so no topic is out of bounds. I hope to Have weekly blogs titled "Movie Time with Jerrod" where I tell you a great movie you should see...and if you don't like it you have no taste. And I also hope to recommend music that I rather enjoy (hope you bloggers and bloggettes like boy bands and Jethro Tull)...I'll probably talk about sports but people that tend to read these things will probably have no interest in that subject so my words will be typed in vain. At times this blog will be serious (but never gramatically correct) so bear with that or die...and please leave as many comments as you want because your opinions matter to me...lol...so sit back and let's all take this cyber journey together and maybe when we come out on the other side you will all be member's of my cult....